Dear Reader -
It’s been a long time since my last post; and for many reasons. My life has changed in a myriad of ways. How has it been for you? Thankfully, the aforementioned changes have not been negative and I hope any changes for you, are not either.
I moved out of NYC — Brooklyn specifically. I’m engaged, a homeowner, a new job is now mine, and soon enough, muddy paws and doggy kisses will fill our home. Old connections have shed like a snake ridding its old skin. My subway monthly metro has changed to a four wheel drive in suburbia. These changes happened back to back to back, almost as if all the years of stagnation made up for themselves within one year alone.
Change has taught me that it’s the only consistent thing in life, that there’s no choice but to embrace it, and that I’m not so great with the transitions as much as I thought. Despite all these movements being things I worked on and dreamed of, they still brought on their own respective grief. Grief in letting go of what once was, what used to be, and my usual way of life.
Now, when I walk the NYC streets, I am reminded of times when life looked very different. When I walked these same streets after bar hopping with friends - drunk off Guinness, laughter, and flirtation with strangers. Many times taking the subway late or jumping into a cab, only to cry my way home at how impossibly lonely I was albeit in a sea of endless bodies.
The streets still feel familiar, they still feel like belonging. They smell of grit and grind and a life that used to be mine for 10 years. I stomp on them just the same as though I’d never left. They feel like home but simultaneously foreign; I’m reincarnated and feeling the residue of a past life.
It’s amazing how much change can happen in such a short amount of time. I’ve thought much this year if I’m rushing things — but if life is so finite, why not take advantage of opportunities when they come to our doorstep? Is there truly such a thing as “right timing”? and if so, it’s probably circumstantial.
The anxiety and grief that comes with change is warranted — at least from my perspective. I used to think change was so easy, but if the past two years have taught me anything, it’s that it’s actually quite hard. Even the happiest of changes causes us to transition and grow and be stretched thin sometimes, only to grow into a new version of self. It’s tough — but damn, it’s worth it.
During the pandemic, those who left NYC have been criticized. Deemed as giving up on NYC in one of its “worst times.” For me, NYC will always hold a place in my heart. It’s a place where my family is from, where I grew into my adulthood, where I met my soon to be husband, and where I started my career. But that doesn’t mean it’s a place I need to stay or that I owe it anything. It’s a mixture of cultures and feelings and energies — of course. But there’s a whole wide world out there and I cannot deny the gorgeous peace I found since leaving.
Life has slowed down and sweetened up. The things that used to bother me, don’t bother me anymore. The energetic chaos I lived in for years, is not surrounding me any longer. I traded in previous goals of social status for something as simple yet so incredibly profound as: peace.
I don’t know if anyone will read this, but if you are, I wish peace for you too.
