For Me, “Good Enough”, is The Gold
Perfection is outdated
Growing up, it was normal to hear the advice, “never settle,” or that “good enough” could always be great, or amazing. It was akin to never settling. As I got older and entered into adult relationships, the saying rang true for a love life. Until I realized that “settling” looks different for everyone, and perfection really does not exist. With time, aside from romance, I focused more on my mental health: my cognitive distortions and high expectations of those around me. I started to learn more about what was really happening. I always felt like something was off with my neural pathways, not in any outwardly noticeable way, but in a way where I suffered quite a lot mentally and didn’t understand why. Things in life are hard, but do they have to be that hard?
In 2023, I finally sought out actual testing and the answers from more than one clinician found I was on the OCD spectrum. The subtype is “Pure”, although controversial in labeling, essentially all my compulsions were mental and things no one on the outside could see. It’s hard to detect too, because for others, it might just seem like constant overthinking or worrying, and really, most symptoms are on the Generalized Anxiety Disorder scale. The two are more common than not.
On my way to recovery, I listened to countless podcasts and read a few books about the subject. One book, Needing To Know For Sure, by Martin Seif and Sally Winston, spoke to my biggest compulsion: reassurance seeking. They speak on different examples and tools on how to tackle this compulsion and move forward with kindness and grace. One line spoke to me dearly when it came to the healing journey:
“Remember that you can both be disciplined and gentle with yourself. You would do better to try for ‘good enough’ than for ‘best’ or ‘perfect’ since the only way to avoid mistakes for certain is to not do anything at all!”
It not only speaks to the healing journey of OCD, GAD, or any other mental challenge in life, but in life itself. So many times, we are inundated with messages to reach for the “best thing”, the “best person”, the “next best goal”, the “next best experience.” But really, what if our now, is the greatest moment to appreciate? What if the person in front of us, is someone to love and appreciate in and of themselves? What is this ultimate striving for “the best thing ever?” in all aspects of life?
This relates to other areas: certain relationships (emphasis on the “certain”), career goals, business ideas, fitness goals. It’s not that we should stop striving for our dreams or move forward towards something better than our current reality, but when you’re exercising critical thinking skills and fully engaging in life, it’s fruitful to sit back and revel. Are things “perfect” before you start that business venture? Are things with your current partner “perfect” before you start a family, before you get married, move in together, or take that trip? When we place things on hold because we’re waiting for circumstances to be perfect, the subtext reads that we want certainty. We desire things to be “perfect” before moving forward, to ensure the best outcome. The ultimate plot twist of life — spoiler alert — is that nothing is certain. To quote Seif and Winston further:
We want lasting health, lasting pleasure, lasting security, but the world is constantly changing and dynamic. Wasting time preparing for unknown future catastrophes, carries the illusion of being responsible and somehow more ready to endure what lies ahead. But what really happens is that you spend your time and energy on useless worry, anger, regret, guilt and recriminations. It is about allowing the presence of uncertainty or even tragedy to occupy a spot in awareness alongside a good life, without interference.
Certainty is illusory, so is control. We shouldn’t stop moving forward or launching our dreams just because things aren’t as perfect as we envision. Or else, we risk being a passerby in life rather than just getting on with it. More times than not, good enough really is good enough! Good enough, can still be golden.
A therapist’s article in Psychology Today, touches on this exact idea; particularly when it comes to questioning whether we are good enough:
By accepting ourselves as enough, we must accept our limitations and the limitations of life itself. But in doing so, we also gain access to life’s real possibilities. By forsaking the false path of seeking something bigger and better, we choose a real path that may be smaller but leads to a different kind of better.
In essence, striving for the “perfect, bigger, and better thing,” takes away the beauty of enjoying the path you’re on now, who you are now, all the strong efforts you’re placing in the now. That idea of something bigger and better is all smoke and mirrors and lends itself to the unhealthy trap of “the grass is greener on the other side.” The grass isn’t greener on the other side, the grass is just green where you water it.
Voltaire’s famous quotation, “perfect is the enemy of good,” can be found everywhere. And it’s famous for myriads of reasons. Striving for perfection can manifest both negatively and positively, and when negatively, it can cause us to waste time and energy on unimportant details and being overly critical of our now. The time suck can result in not enjoying the present moment or really — not being present at all. And that is really such a shame.
So instead of searching for mental health, relational, or business perfection, I find it much more fulfilling to accept my own definition of “good enough.” We will make mistakes, we will fall and fail, but there needs to be a time where we know our best efforts, are good enough. Climbing the social pyramid, constantly looking outwards, turning a blind eye to what our best efforts have produced in the now, is less productive than we realize. Good enough also looks different to everyone and in different circumstances. The secret is to learn what it means to you; how you define it, and what boundaries to set in order to release and move forward rather than edit some more.
Right now, my good enough is good enough. And so, I’ll move on from here.
