Happiness Is A Wasted Search
Here are other things to consider
After the COVID pandemic began, I — like countless others — filled my time with things to keep me busy and distracted. One of them was a class from Coursera, arguably their most popular class, entitled “The Science of Well-Being”. The content is nothing necessarily new but provided much food for thought. Wonderfully, it connected to previous books and teachings I’ve come across time and time again eliciting the message that happiness is not a state of being.
If you listen intently, you can notice how often we use the word “happy” and how much we have been indoctrinated with the idea that the goal of life is to be happy, to have relationships that make you happy, to overall just — be a happy person. We make one another feel odd because if we ask questions such as: “are you happy in your job, relationship, life” etc. and receive a lackluster response, we question all the things that are wrong. Our questions seem to give a constant message that many things in life are black and white — we leave little area for the rainbow. Although these ideologies may have good intentions, I think over time they teach us to chase after something so fleeting and in turn, is quite anxiety inducing.
In the course, instructor Laurie Santos teaches (with research to back it up) that the things we often feel will make us happy: the perfect body, great relationship, and riches- oftentimes don’t. They disappoint us more than we anticipate. Once we obtain those things, we are always onto the next. What’s the next body image goal? How else can the relationship be better? What are ways to climb up the corporate ladder? It. Just. Never. Ends.
The things researchers found increase our well-being are intangible: experiences with loved ones, acts of kindness to strangers, savoring the every day goodness in life whether it’s appreciating your morning coffee or taking an hour to read a good book every day. These small acts speak volumes and are not things that have to do with obtaining a person, place, or thing. Yet we still beat one another over the head with this idea of “happy.” I’m guilty of this too, having asked friends in the past if they are “happy” in their relationship. Meanwhile, when I experienced my own, I took it back. My partner doesn’t make me happy; no one can do that for you. My partner exists and I appreciate him as such which adds joy and fulfillment to my life. The word “happy”, not needed.
In Rich Roll’s podcast, he speaks of happiness following Tony Hsieh’s death, giving a personal example:
Happiness is a very effusive fleeting emotion. It’s not really a state of being; it’s a biproduct of something else. I don’t think we are hardwired to be “happy” as a permanent state. I like to think of it as feeling purposeful, intentional, living a meaningful life and as a result of those things, being fulfilled. I’m very fulfilled in this vocation. Sometimes it makes me happy, but often it makes me frustrated and anxious and all of those things but I wouldn’t trade it for some kind of state of perpetual bliss.
Similar to Rich Roll, I am no longer chasing this idea of happiness. I threw the ideology out in 2019 while doing some serious self-inventory. The pressure of being a happy person or being happy in my job or friendships or what have you, was something I no longer found interesting. Here are other emotions/words I feel we can use instead:
Joy- although it’s a synonym to happy; I like the feel of it on the tongue more. Further, there’s not this inherent pressure that comes with the word “joy” as there is with “happy.”
Authenticity- Rather than asking yourself or others if they are happy in life, why not ask, “are you living authentically?” similarly, “are you expressing yourself authentically?”
Nourishing- This word I love. We can use it in so many ways: “is your relationship nourishing?”, “Do your friendships nourish you and do you feel well taken care of?”
Fulfilling — Although this too might seem heavy, I believe there are a myriad of things in life that can add to a fulfilling state of being. Feeling full doesn’t mean everything is positive. Rather, taking “negative” moments and experiences in life and turning them into meaning; using them to become someone who lives wholeheartedly and unapologetically — to me that leads to fulfillment.
Peace- Asking questions like, “does this relationship add to your peace?” or simply recognizing the level of peace we have with ourselves, can be powerful. For example: maybe the goal body weight hasn’t yet been achieved or can’t right now for whatever reason, but having peace with your body can still be a thing. And very powerful at that. Remember — you can say you’re “happy” as a state of being but feel a lack of peace about a lot.
Overall, there are creative ways we can experience well-being that don’t have to do with using the pressurized word of “happy.” Because the story of “happy” has been so hard wired into us, I still find myself using it every now and again, and have to back track and use another word so as to not perpetuate the happiness paradox.
We may believe that words are just words, right? However, language is still very powerful and the message that it sends, either explicitly or implicitly, is important. We must use our words with intention and as of now — I’d rather do away with the word “happy” and all the narratives that come along with it.
There are far more fulfilling pursuits.
