I Didn’t Have A Wedding & Thought I Wouldn’t Care
Months later, do I regret anything?
In case you haven’t noticed, wedding season is in full swing. This means emails, commercials, conversations with friends, and a whole slew of other things are surrounding marriages and weddings right now. When I got engaged in 2021, I knew that a wedding was out of the cards for me. People’s first question after I announced the news was, “so, do you have a date yet?” To which I was perplexed because I was only engaged for all of a few minutes to hours. There was no way we were going to have a date or even wedding plans the same day of engagement. Nevertheless, I always knew the potential of disappointing those around me, because in the back of my mind, my answer was always no, but you’re likely to not be there.
Let me be clear: I think weddings are absolutely beautiful. I’ve been to a few in my life, over a handful exactly, and I was always excited to join in and witness someone’s love. There’s also the aesthetic they choose, the food, the music, the dancing. There are many parts of a wedding which speak to the couple and make you feel so honored to be part of their day. There are also reasons why, for me, I just never fantasized about one.
For one, I get decision fatigue very often. If there’s too much to think about, too much to plan, too many options, or too much money to spend, I tap out. It’s not something that brings me joy. Secondly, I always loved the intimacy in elopements, how it’s just you, and the partner you’ve chosen. On a mountain top, in a church, on a beach, or even a pink chapel in Las Vegas. It’s just the two of you. Some of life’s most precious moments often happens when it’s just you and one other human. I met my husband nearing my late twenties, and he is the only romantic relationship I’ve had. After years of praying, crying, dating apps, and confusion, when I finally found him, I just wanted our moments to be ours and ours alone. No distractions, try as I might. Lastly, we were engaged during the middle of the pandemic when restaurants were still contactless and only outside dining was a thing. I lived in Brooklyn at the time, and people still weren’t taking public transportation the way they used to. The world was — and still is — in chaos. I didn’t want to live in the details of wedding planning on top of it all.
My husband and I are no frills and thrills. Even our engagement was super low key, in our Brooklyn apartment on a snow day. We took the day off and ordered burgers, fries and onion rings from our local fast-food joint. We streamed crappy reality TV shows. We talked and talked. He ultimately led me on a short and sweet scavenger hunt of handwritten letters where I found myself being proposed to. We cried and hugged for some time. We popped champagne. It was us.
So, after we were engaged, I woke up in the middle of the night with the idea of eloping to Puerto Rico coming to me in a flash. I looked online and immediately found the photographer who we would one day book, along with the officiant. I just knew. My then fiancé also woke up and it was then around 2 or 3 am in the morning, lying in a dark room, where we hugged each other and spoke about eloping to Puerto Rico that same year. While we actually waited much longer than that, the plan of how to do it was the same.
For months, my brain rattled with options and questions. Would this be something I regret? Would I hurt anyone’s feelings? Would I miss not having a wedding? If no one is there, would I one day kick myself for that? My partner had no qualms the first time I spoke of elopement and continuously had no doubts on it. Mostly because logistically, the people in his life are either spread across the US, or abroad in South Asia and the UAE — respectively. Them traveling to us requires a long notice ahead of time, visas, and hundreds of dollars. I’m sure they would’ve done it, but we weren’t looking to wait for very long before tying the knot. The first 6 months of our engagement, we didn’t speak much about plans. We had so many transitions happening: a move, a new house, a new car, a new puppy, a new job. The planning part of how we wanted to do this, was an added thing we didn’t have energy for. It wasn’t until end of year where we doubled down on the plan: just us, in Puerto Rico, on a beach — the Aguadilla Ruins to be exact. The setting of Puerto Rico was an homage to my roots, with the hope to one day celebrate with his family in India and pay homage to his culture and country.
So, off we went on a road trip to Florida and on a plane from Florida to Puerto Rico. Just us, long miles ahead, comedy podcasts, and many snacks for the road. My immediate family members were aware, and of course my mom, who is also my best friend, was hurt. I know how much she wanted to be there, but she ultimately respected our decision and showed us love and support. Anyone else in my family, didn’t display any hurt feelings and in fact, was happy for us and our elopement. The day itself was super low-key. We stopped by a cafe while attempting to get our wedding cake and it was there we Face-Timed my soon to be in-laws. They were immediately happy to hear the day had come. We then turned the car around, did away with our plan to get cake, and returned to our quaint Airbnb. We sipped champagne, wrote our vows, and watched Netflix shows until it was time to get ready.
At the Ruins, I nervously walked over to him for our first look photos. I was shaking and hugged him crying. We walked over to a corner on the Ruins where the ocean waves crashed behind us, and the sun was dipping into the sea. Our golden hour ceremony. Only 10 minutes, tears, and laughter later, and we were officially married. We popped champagne, took more pictures, and then made our way to a resort dinner where we Face-Timed my mom to tell her everything. My aunt graciously called the restaurant and paid for our dinner. When we arrived back to the Airbnb, we popped more champagne, settled into comfortable clothes, and watched the newest version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Just after 12 am, we looked at the time, and each other, only to sadly proclaim, “well, that’s it. Our wedding day is over.” I hadn’t wanted the ceremony to end, I didn’t want the day to end, I wished we were suspended in time.
The weeks following this day, proved super confusing. As the news got out, we received happy replies, but some simply didn’t say anything at all. I knew eloping ran the risk of people feeling left out and therefore, feeling upset, mad or just unenthused. This was mixed with us going through legal paperwork, waiting for our marriage certificate, a slew of job stressors, and my own contemplation of certain friendships. There was a whole lot of stress, and a whole lot of hurt. It sucked. The transition of slipping into married life was, and still is in many ways, damn hard, but not because of my chosen life partner. Simply because of life circumstances and the transitional injuries which can occur.
It made me confused on if there was a line: do I feel these things because we didn’t have a wedding? Would I feel differently if there was a huge party, and everyone was there to celebrate with us? Is that even what we wanted? Am I simply seeking external validation? One question blurred into the other and I started to contemplate if eloping was actually good for us in the end. I remember, when we took our last picture, our photographer told us she usually lets couples have a few minutes to soak everything up before she leaves. I breathed, looked at the sky’s hue now sunless, and heard the waves behind us. I remember thinking about the day and about my man: this is perfect. Best decision I ever made.
Why then, did it seemingly haunt me afterwards? Well, there are a few points I’ve come to realize. We as a society, have fully engrained the concept that weddings are part of what you just do in life. It’s a traditional step, same as marriage. It’s something that’s hard to veer away from, and if you do, people question your decision. We’re bombarded with the wedding industry in many different ways. When you’re young, especially as a cis-gendered girl, you’re thinking about what dress you want when that day comes for you and your Prince or Princess Charming to ride off into the sunset. These narratives, coupled with Disney stories and rom-com blockbusters, have hit us over the head with this day. This one day that’s supposed to be perfect in so many ways. When you elope, you can’t expect people to be happy or give a gift or in our case, to even say anything. However, we did still receive beautiful gifts from some of our closest friends and family members. Those who are close to our hearts, celebrated us in tiny yet impactful ways. And I am forever grateful.
I know we never know what goes on behind closed doors, and celebrity marriages of all, can sometimes be extremely poor examples of healthy relationships. However, for the sake of my perspective, I’m calling on Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard’s low-key nuptials. The couple tied the knot at the Beverly Hills Courthouse. He wore a suit, and she wore a black jumpsuit. Their pictures of that day are funny and cute, just like their relationship. There’s one where they’re holding hands and seemingly crying, almost as if to exude, “what the hell have we just gotten ourselves into?”
When asked about their $142 courthouse wedding, Kristen’s response speaks to my heart: “I think the idea of weddings — in my opinion, I don’t fault any girl for whatever she wants — but in my opinion, I see it getting out of control and it’s not what I would want. A.) I’d prefer the cash and B.) I feel like that’s why we did it tiny and at the courthouse. We want the rest of our lives to be that party.”
My family members didn’t care that we eloped, they actually told us, “You did it the right way.” Many people in my life said the same. As my husband says, it’s not about doing it the “right” way or not. There is no right way. It’s about what was right for us. But still — it was almost as if I ended up grieving something I didn’t originally want. I grieved the lack of big celebration, the lack of a big wedding where everyone is there for the bride and groom. I grieved that — even though I know it’s a societal construct, has its own flaws, and is something I, once again, didn’t inherently want. Cognitive dissonance at its finest.
There is a shift in perspective which needs to occur. Are we taught to pay more attention to the wedding than the actual marriage? What is the real meat and potatoes of this whole event, anyway? Is it not the importance in your choice of life partner? Or is it the dress, the show of it all, the presentation? Ultimately, beautiful weddings and successful marriages are not mutually exclusive.
My own parents married in the home I was raised. Just them and an officiant in the living room. After, my mom made rice and beans with porkchops. When they called my dad’s family to break the news, my grandpa yelled from the background, “now that’s the way to do it!” They’ve been married over 30 years. My uncle and his wife, who live in Arizona, went down the street to the Justice of the Peace, then invited their friends over for hors d’oeuvres. After, they kicked their friends out so they could watch the Mets game. They’ve been married over 25 years.
No matter how you cut it — there are many different ways to get married. There are many different ways to be with someone long term, even without marriage. For me, the options were endless and mind numbing. Do I regret anything? It’s a moving target. Sometimes, I get comparison fever and feel like I missed out on having a wedding. Other times, I actually feel like we should’ve done it simpler, with an officiant and our closest loved ones over our home, to witness the day. But overall, what we chose spoke to us the most: a road trip, driving through states for the first time, stopping at new places for a drink or a bite to eat. Marrying on a beach during the golden hour. These memories will last us a lifetime. When I look back on our elopement adventure, my heart is still so full.
As for hurting people’s feelings, there are days I beat myself up over my decision to not have my mother there. She’s my everything and my best friend. A woman who has been there for me through thick and thin. But just as she respected our decision and still celebrated us, she has walked me through my own confused emotions on this topic. Last weekend, we went to Brooklyn together to visit family. When she dropped me off home, I hugged her tightly and said, “best mother ever”, she replied “best daughter ever.” What I’ve learned, is just because people aren’t physically with you, doesn’t mean they aren’t with you. The saying “you’re always with me because you’re in my heart,” is not just some cheesy phrase people throw around. It’s the capital-T Truth. My mom was very much included in our plans and in our day. In fact, her and my aunt were the only people I messaged throughout our entire journey, and I spoke to my mom many times on our wedding day. She was there — very much so — and will always be there for me even if not physically.
Six months later and we still haven’t done much to celebrate with friends. I’m not kidding when I say I’m truly horrid at planning these things. Part of me thinks of one day having a wedding, and another part of me just doesn’t care at all. I know it’s my mind wistfully wondering about the paths not taken. However, all the paths, lead to the same goal: marriage. Since my new husband is unable to travel outside of the US for some time, we haven’t gone on our dream honeymoon to Bali, either. Bringing it back to Bell and Shepard, when Kristen went to work just days after marrying, someone asked her why she wasn’t on her honeymoon. She smartly replied, “my honeymoon will be the rest of my life.”
Weddings are beautiful and celebratory. Elopements are private and special. All partnerships, when healthy, loving, safe and committed, are golden — with or without marriage. We didn’t have a wedding, we didn’t have a party, we didn’t have a honeymoon (although that last part is in the works). What we had was each other. That’s what this is about. It’s not about a room full of people, dancing and drinking to your new marriage. It’s about the couple. It’s about celebrating yourself, your love, and your partner through presence and love languages every day, not just on one day. It’s about two people’s commitment to love one another and do their best to keep each other safe, comfortable, and well taken care of the best they can, for as long as they can.
My relationship is not a fairy tale. We didn’t have a honeymoon phase. We are each flawed human beings with our own neuroses. We have our challenges. But we talk through things, we are transparent, we check in often. We hug and kiss a lot. We are excellent travel partners. We include laughter in our daily lives. We don’t know what the future holds, but we pray it’s full of goodness and warmth. So no, we didn’t have the traditions leading up to marriage, and we didn’t have anyone there with us. But if this were a game — I win. I completely, without a doubt, win. And what I’ve won, is worth more than any party.
