I’m Creating Stronger Boundaries — And I Am Not Sorry
It is already halfway through 2021 and much of the first half, for me, has seen my life welcome big changes; and with those big changes, came anxiety in sharing, questioning narratives, questioning people’s respective intentions, and in turn, questioning my own intentions as well.
You see dear reader, I, like most of us, have a complicated relationship with this great word: boundaries. I have them, I’ve stated them, especially surrounding my private life, romantic partnership, and within the workplace. But have I always upheld them? No. Have I sometimes been a walking contradiction? Yes. And I’m sure, this has confused the hell out of people in my life. One minute I am an open book, telling intimate details although earlier stating I was as private as can be. The next minute, I keep things to myself and swear I won’t share information until I am good and ready. Oftentimes, I am only good and ready after I’ve processed things myself and decided how I feel about things before sharing. The ladder is how I would like to proceed more. It’s how I have to. It’s not a desire, it’s a necessity.
Needless to say, my closest relationships take issue with it from time to time. Family members even take issue with it from time to time. And all the while, I care about them caring. I care about making them feel isolated from my life, ostracized, not part of the party. Not included. I care….way too much. I care more than I should because I end up sacrificing my own comfort, privacy, and boundaries, to please someone else’s need for information which quite frankly is none of their business to begin with.
In one of my previous posts, I wrote about how nothing seems to be sacred anymore. The idea, plain and simple, is my finding that social media has taken over the social fabric of our lives in a fashion akin to anesthesia before an operation. You know it’s entering your veins and about to rob your awareness in presence, but before you can prepare, it’s lights out. We share everything through different mediums: our lunches, plans with friends, kisses with lovers as we write a wildly romantic caption, our new cars. We overshare. There’s a slice of privacy I need to function healthfully in this world and in a culture where oversharing is the norm, I am seen as abnormal.
The aforementioned big changes these past few months, have paired with many therapy sessions. Through this, and the attempted practice of mindfulness and CBT, I am learning how to use my voice more. How to say no, instead of constantly saying yes. How to question my thoughts. How to speak up for myself in an assertive way and how, to my realization, that is quite different than confrontation. How to set boundaries and keep them, rather than have them fluctuate. How can anyone respect my boundaries, if I am not even respecting them myself?
Two gorgeous examples of laying down boundaries in a diplomatic way are Kim Kardashian and Esther Perel. In a podcast episode, Esther was asked about her own marriage, because she is a relationship therapist. She stated, “I can’t speak about my relationship out of respect for my husband, he is a very private person.” Boom. Boundary laid out, but not in a rude or threatening manner. Kim Kardashian, a guest on David Letterman’s Netflix show, was asked about her and Kanye’s money. To which she stated: “I don’t talk about money, I think it’s really just inappropriate.” These are examples of exercising boundaries with others, in a way that’s graceful, but strong. My problem is, I lose all momentum and fall into either answering intrusive questions and foregoing my boundaries, or I lose my way with words and come across as insulting.
And so — after weeks of processing life changes and working things out with my partner — I am met with the question yet again: “why don’t you ever tell me things?” To which, I now have to take from my toolkit a few things I’ve doubled down on recently:
- It’s true what Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements: “Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. It is a reflection of their own reality. When you are unaffected by the opinions and actions of others, you will be free from pointless suffering.”
- What others think of you, is none of your business.
- Setting boundaries and firming up existing ones, does not have to be offensive to anyone. Rather, people should respect the respect you have for your life and precious details.
The first two matter because for me, having boundaries and taking time to share life news or experiences, can often come from the anxiety I feel in sharing anything to begin with. Yes, even good news I can feel anxious sharing! It stems from the endless mind chatter of: what will he/she/they say? What will they think? How do I feel about it first and foremost? What if they ask a bunch of questions I don’t want to answer? How can I place a boundary? It’s a process that drives me mad but there’s no other way to assess the work. What has given me peace is saying to myself the second: what others think of me, is none of my business. So, if they think I’m too private or have too strong of boundaries, that’s none of my business to begin with. If I make it my business, I needlessly suffer. Something I’ve done far too much during my time on this earth; something I would absolutely love to divorce myself from.
I once had a friend tell me she respected my privacy so much and admired it. She said she felt extra special when I shared things with her, because she knew I didn’t go around sharing everything with just anybody. So to anyone questioning a private person as to why they don’t share, and inadvertently — or intently — making them (us) feel bad, my question to you is this: rather than feel offended or annoyed at our lack of “openness”, why not view it how my friend explained? When we do share, it’s special; it matters. You were chosen as someone we wanted to share things with. Be thankful. See it as an awesome gift rather than our privacy being digested as a lack of closeness. The two do not correlate. Just because I don’t disclose every detail of my love life, or what time I went out for a walk, doesn’t mean I love you any less.
There are stories behind your assumptions. Stories which I may not spell out for you, but please, use your imagination. Exercise some empathy.
With this address as to why I didn’t share my news sooner, comes my main point in all of this — I just don’t think I can care anymore.
I can’t. I’m tired. I’m disappointed in all the times I’ve thrown my boundaries out so that people can get what they want. I’m tired of being so nice, that I’m ultimately taken advantage of, whether people do so consciously or subconsciously, and I cannot do this any longer. Not for the sake of my life’s happiness and wellbeing. I am not sorry.
I’ve spent precious time on this earth caring and driving myself insane thinking of countless scenarios and situations in regards to how I relate to others. In many ways, I love this about myself, because my emotional intelligence has blossomed and continues to do so. In many other ways, I hate this about myself because I’ve spent so much time obsessing over what others will think, say, and do and that is all time I can never get back in this life.
My new project for myself is to lessen how much I care about others’ opinions. It’s to strengthen my boundaries and continue telling myself that I don’t care. It’s the continual self-reminder that I am not sorry for writing up new boundaries, doing away with the old, and firming existing ones.
It is the continual affirmation that no matter what others think of my life, I have the right to be unapologetically me. I am enough and I am important — just like my boundaries.
