Imposter Syndrome Or Something Else?
Am I Jonah in my life’s story?
Imposter Syndrome — the persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.
Jonah Complex — the fear of success or the fear of being one’s best. This fear prevents self-actualization, or the realization of one’s own potential. It is the fear of one’s own greatness, the evasion of one’s destiny, or the avoidance of exercising one’s talents. As the fear of achieving a personal worst may serve to motivate personal growth, likewise the fear of achieving a personal best may hinder achievement.
Last week, my desires in life have been under quite the review. I keep wanting to move forward with a writing or creative career. Yet I continuously find myself in a stronghold of golden handcuffs with day jobs that are just not in alignment with who I am or what I want. They’re great in their own ways, but in the words of the great AG, “thank you, next.”
What has been holding me back? What usually holds any of us back? I listened to an interview with a great woman whose work I really admire, Sharan Dhaliwal, who mentioned that for years, she didn’t break into writing. She didn’t think her story needed to be told or that anyone would read her work. She had “imposter syndrome.” And hearing that not only made me feel less of an anomaly in my laziness and lack of moving forward in my creative endeavors — but it also reminded me that I too, simply do not believe in myself enough.
All these years, I’ve been saying I wanted to write and I’ve done it here and there, but have I pursued it with such a fever to actually see it take flight? Doubtful. Do I truly have imposter syndrome, something that claims you’re already successful yet you don’t believe you deserve it…or do I have something more sinister?
My therapist once asked me, “are you afraid of succeeding?” My response felt like a hell no, how can I be afraid of succeeding at something I love? Maybe it’s not that I’m afraid of succeeding but that I’m too afraid to fuck up so I don’t even try at all. Classic self sabotage; classic way to get nowhere.
When coining the term “Jonah Complex,” Abraham Maslow took it from his friend, Professor Frank E. Manuel who relayed the Biblical story of Jonah and his evasion of God’s destiny for him. Maslow stated, “So often we run away from the responsibilities dictated (or rather suggested) by nature, by fate, even sometimes by accident, just as Jonah tried — in vain — to run away from his fate.” Now, I can’t say that nature has sent me into positions where writing was inherent in my work but I can say that no matter what I’ve done, I’ve never stopped dreaming of writing. I’ve never stopped thinking of a way to break out of the corporate world, and off the beaten path. My way of staying in these roles, could potentially be my own running away from our dear friend “fate.” If something is calling you and it’s imbedded in your conscience as something you feel you can’t live without, is it not that? Is the big F word an actual place we all arrive or a man made concept?
My utter persistence in not doing the thing I’ve been meaning to — says more about my own belief in self. My disbelief I can “make it” whatever that means nowadays. My “imposter syndrome” or “Jonah Complex”, however I spin it, it all comes back to the message so loud and in my face — you can do it, you just need to…do it. As Stephen King mentions in his book, On Writing, “I did it for the pure joy of the thing. And if you can do it for joy, you can do it forever.”
Maybe, I can just start there. Maybe that’s all any of us can do — just start the thing we’ve been meaning to. It’s the baby steps which lead slowly into something larger and better. The eradication of any neuroses or complex, has to originate somewhere.
Here I’ll start — a blank space, an idea, and just a bit of bravery.
