Is My Need For Validation Normal?
Everyone seeks it, but how much is too much?
I’ve always considered myself to be fiercely independent and someone who derives deep joy and a need for individuality. Yet even though I am this independent, I have realized my pattern of needing validation. When a decision is made, I just want someone to tell me I made the right decision. When I’m feeling something, no matter how disassociative it might be, I want someone to hear me. When I’m going through something, whether wonderful or tough, I want others to be empathetic.
See me, I exist. Hear me, I exist.
These are all very normal things, of course. Humans seek validation many times which is why we often hear one another say things like, “Am I crazy?” or “I just need someone to hear me out.” We want, sometimes more than anything, for someone to witness our humanity, our experience. And to validate it positively. To make us feel wholly sane, even if others around us give the impression we are the opposite.
When speaking to friends recently, my best friend’s boyfriend seemed taken aback when I mentioned I cared about what other people thought. He stated he didn’t get that impression from me at all. My fiance then jumped in to confirm, “no, she definitely cares what other people think.” …. thanks, honey.
The way the world sees me is skewed. I may come across completely confident in my life and decisions. But all the while, my mind won’t shut up. I struggle with anxiety, sometimes to a crippling degree. I have phases where I am calm and confident and perfectly fine. Then I’ll hear someone’s opinions about body image, real estate, professions, and the like, and the rollercoaster of cognitive distortions starts its ride all over again.
Lately, my decisions have been based on ideas of moving, losing weight, friendships. The usual life stuff. I’ve also had back-to-back major life changes within only a few months, as many people have especially since the start of the pandemic. But while going back to my friend again to ask if I made the right decision in something, I see she can’t fill that hole.
We can keep confiding in those we love over and over again and asking if we made the right decision or if we, ourselves, are right; but they cannot fill that hole of validation we need. If they do, don’t be fooled, it’s only temporary. The validation must come from within us, primarily. It can’t, I believe, be filled 100% by us. We need community, we need sweet words every once in a while, we need applause when we’ve had a job well done, a smile, a nod.
And if you’re anything like me, you might need it quite a few times, before the need dissipates and you move forward one foot after the other until you forget the worry to begin with. The search for validation over my decisions seems addictive to a point: was this the right move? Did I spend too much money on this thing? Am I choosing the right career path? Instead, I need to remind myself over and over again of my own feelings on something.
What are my opinions? My thoughts? My feelings? What are the intentions behind my decisions? And those, I need to hold close to my heart. Regardless of what other people think. And maybe, just maybe, with some time, I can learn to detach from needing validation just a little bit.
