Is Your Life Really Your Own?
Sharing could be a necessary component to human connection
I heard somewhere — don’t ask where because I’ve forgotten — that your life is not your own. It’s meant to be shared. This saying has been ringing in my head every so often for the past few weeks when thinking of my own innate privacy. So much of my life has been spent on a tight rope, constantly deciding what to share and what not to. I don’t know if anyone shares this unique problem, save for a few other unicorns out there.
When we share our milestones, goals, desires, dreams, and the like; of course we run the risk of people saying things we might not like or hurt us. But that’s it. There’s only so much power others have, and it’s up to us to delegate just how much.
There’s this picture on the internet, and one even I’ve reposted in my social media days, that says: “Three things to keep private: Your love life, Your income, Your next move.” The income part of this, I completely agree since it can cause division, jealousy or unfair treatment depending on the health of relationships. But the rest of it, and even more in life, is questionable. I may hate sharing intimate details about my life and specifically my relationships with people, but once again the question begs to be answered: how much of my life is solely mine to begin with?
How are solutions to be found, philosophies exchanged, lessons learned, and bonds to be created if it is not for sharing details and stories with one another? If a life is solely ones own, how can we change each other for the better? And would it not stop the domino effect of ultimately changing the world. By sharing things — I always had the feeling that it made something less sacred, that it was no longer mine. And by it no longer being mine, I lost a piece of uniqueness to the experience. Grief washed over me, feeling that by sharing, what was once utterly and completely mine in a relationship or solo, was gone. Out in the world, never to be held in my inner world again.
In Dave Eggers’ novel, A Heartbreaking Work Of Staggering Genius, he speaks bravely about grief after losing both his parents. Throughout this work, he contemplates many things about life, humanity, how he wants to move forward. He speaks of this same phenomena in regards to sharing:
We feel that to reveal embarrassing or private things, we have given someone something, that, like a primitive person fearing that a photographer will steal his soul, we identify our secrets, our past and their blotches, with our identity, that revealing our habits or losses or deeds somehow makes one less of oneself.
To share something doesn’t mean we lose ourselves or the experience itself, for no one is in our bodies nor minds when we experience something. Therefore, it will always be unique unto us due to the sheer fact that it’s impossible for people to know 100%. Furthering this thought and making my bones ache in relatability even more, Eggers writes:
Because secrets do not increase in value if kept in a gore-ian lockbox, because one’s past is either made useful or else mutates and becomes cancerous. We share things for the obvious reasons: it makes us feel un-alone, it spreads the weight over a larger area, it holds the possibility of making our share lighter. And it can work either way — not simply as a pain-relief device, but, in the case of not bad news but good, as a share-the-happy-things-I’ve-seen/lessons-I’ve-learned vehicle. Or as a tool for simple connectivity for its own sake, a testing of waters, a stab at engagement with a mass of strangers.
How can our life be fully our own if we are essentially meant to share it? The highs, the lows, the challenges, the anxiety, the questionings, the joyful moments, the big surprises. The list goes on of life’s adventure. To be a private person such as myself, is nothing wrong. To want to keep things within a relationship between two partners, is nothing wrong. To want to keep things sacred, is nothing wrong. However, there will always come a time to share with those we love and maybe even complete strangers. A time for this so called “simple connectivity for its own sake”. A time when our stories, triumphs, celebrations, romantic moments, and sufferings will make someone else feel less alone, inspire hope, provide inspiration, or simply make them smile. And if we do not share our life, at the end of it, will those around us ever know who we truly were?
Despite all this, I know I will continue to be a private person because it’s simply who I am. I feel no shame about it although I am learning more and more, how to strengthen this boundary. With regards to sharing, I also understand how beautiful it can be. How sometimes it’s so useful and cathartic for people to witness both the special and tragic moments in our lives. I can hold space for these two things because, as it is with most things in life, there’s room for all of it.
Both things can be true.
