This Is How Your Relationships — Not Just Your Marriage — End
In 2022, after getting married, I picked up a book called This Is How Your Marriage Ends by Matthew Fray. I know the timing seems ironic — just getting married and then reading a book with such a title. But I soon found the contents didn’t speak solely for marriage; rather it spoke more about relationships in general.
Fray famously wrote the article, “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink.” The title should not be taken so literally, as he dives deeper into the meaning behind it. Which unfortunately, we can all find ourselves relating to. His work spoke to me when I learned the “invalidation triple threat.” It’s not that his wife literally left him because he left dishes by the sink. It was the meaning behind that act which resulted in her departure. It’s easy to relate to. When we ask our loved ones to do something — anything — and they continuously don’t do it, or act like it’s not a big deal because it’s so “small” and “trite”, how would that make us feel? It can make us feel like our asks are insignificant to them, it can make us feel like we’re asking for too much, that maybe we’re the crazy ones. And ultimately, because the ask is important to us, and is left unattended, it leaves us feeling unsafe. Our needs aren’t being met. Instead, the person on the other end is showing us they quite literally don’t care. So how could we feel safe?
The triple threat involves three types of responses we’re all prone to:
- Your partners thoughts were wrong. An event happened which results in your partner feeling a certain way. You unintentionally invalidate their feelings by judging their perspective and recollection of what happened. They shouldn’t feel pain, because it wasn’t that bad!
- Your partners feelings were wrong. Something happened, and your partner explains their feelings about it to you. Instead of sympathizing, you reach for something akin to, “Yes, that happened, and it sucked. But wait! it wasn’t that bad. It doesn’t even make sense for you to feel that!” Thus, making your partner feel invalidated, unheard, and that their emotions were wrong to begin with.
- The justifiable defense. You or your partner make a case for why it made sense for event X to happen, which still inevitably pushes back and invalidates feelings and experiences.
Fray explains his previous internal dialogue when these things happened: “I don’t need to change because I’m a good person who didn’t do anything wrong. SHE needs to change because it isn’t fair that she’s making her emotions MY responsibility. My wife was left to conclude that not only was I unconcerned with whether she felt hurt by something but that I would always choose what I wanted even when what I wanted was painful for her (49).” And there it is — a dynamic so common to find in both romantic and platonic relationships. We so often invalidate one another or say we will adhere to certain rules, only to then show differently. Eroding our partners trust in us every time. Eroding someone feeling safe in our friendship every time.
Fray’s book was monumental for me during friendship breakups because it made me realize that I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t crazy for feeling unheard for years. I communicated things that were important to me, and it might have been received well, but was unintentionally invalidated every time. And while the hurt was valid, so too was its polar opposite. The party invalidating us doesn’t mean to cause harm. In fact, more often than not, they are kind and good-hearted individuals who really love us. But they’re still hurting us with their actions. We are left unheard, and our feelings invalidated. When trust and safety are gone, we have no choice but to leave. It can be quite baffling; at least for me it was. I remember looking back at all the very minor things throughout the years and wondering if any of it was worth losing a friend over. Is it worth it? It all seems so stupid to feel hurt. After years of noticing unmet needs and wants; making peace with some and feeling tension in others, it all grew and grew. The thorn was the consistency of feeling unheard and being shown that despite numerous conversations, the other person would continue to be who they were and do what they wanted; further demonstrating a lack of effort or care towards my concerns. Although there was a deep love between my friends and I, our love languages, needs, and wants were different. Which is lovely; diversity is great, and everyone is different. However, care and concern for feelings and experiences in the relationship still need to exist. Even if we don’t understand how the other is hurting or why; we need to listen and do better when being told they’re hurt. Our lack of capacities showed one another in small yet loud ways, that if we stayed together, those needs would continue to be neglected. Our hurt would continue in a vicious cycle, even if that was never our intention. When it comes to that, there’s no choice but to leave; you’re no longer emotionally safe and the trust that you could be safe, is gone too.
We often think most relationships will end due to something huge and inexcusable: an affair, nonstop fighting, financial ruin etc. Something we can point to and say, “that’s what did them in!” But it’s not so black and white. Most times, relationships don’t die because of huge things. Fray explains: “Hundreds, maybe thousands of times, my wife tried to communicate that something was wrong. That something hurt. But that doesn’t make sense. I’m not trying to hurt her; therefore, she shouldn’t feel hurt. We didn’t go down in a fiery explosion. We bled out from 10,000 paper cuts” (35).
When I first started dating my now husband, my cousin told me to pay attention to the little things that might concern me. They may seem little in the beginning, but they will grow to be big things as time goes on. It’s the little things — even like leaving a dish by the sink when your spouse has repeatedly told you they hate it — that build and build and cause big things like resentment and bitterness. And those emotions are relationship killers. They started out as minor offenses and grew to be signed divorce papers or ended friendships. Death by 10,000 paper cuts.
Safety and trust are two of the most important components to any relationship, and yet we so often fail to recognize the ways in which we — or others — may be contributing to their erosion, until it’s too late. It is so easy to pinpoint too; we see how we could be hurting someone, but we get defensive. We say we’ll do our best to fix it, but our actions show otherwise. We say how much we love someone, yet we prioritize different things. We have the best of intentions, but our actions invalidate their feelings each and every time. We cut them in the smallest of ways and when it’s all over, we wonder what the hell just happened?
Fray’s work may not sit with everyone, but it’s absolutely a book I revisit mentally time and again. Whether for my friendships or my marriage. To become a safe space for others, takes both work and honor. To prove that you’re trustworthy and that you’ll not only listen — but hear — others, is a skill we can all learn. Trust and safety are at the foundation of every healthy relationship, and they’re such fragile things. And it would behoove each and every one of us to pay more attention.
