Why Have Friends?
A question amongst the female friendship recession
One of the things I contemplate most is friendships. In 2022, when I got married, I had lost a few along the way. And before that, it was 2015 when I lost a few college friends. At the time, it felt like a correct transition; that life was bringing me a new chapter, and anything in misalignment with my new reality, was meant to be shed. Years later and I still reminisce on those friendships. One friendship in particular, was something I couldn’t imagine ending; until I could, and it did. She was one of my best friends, a ride or die, another limb. A beautiful contribution to life’s journey; our traveling experiences taking us nearby and far across the ocean. Our laugher as a symphony along the way. For that to end, was crushing, even if it was inexplicably inevitable.
During one of many sessions where I took the onus on myself as to why something ended, my therapist added: “the things you’re looking for, are just common human things to want. Responsiveness, capacity, reciprocity. You’re not looking for much. And if you do away with those and have no boundaries — why have friends?” I told her I’d write on that — and so here I am.
I’m not one to shy away from reviewing my part in things. As the saying goes, there’s always three sides to every story: your side, their side, and the truth. I don’t act like my side is the only one that matters. We both had our part in the friendship ending. And yet — I didn’t feel alone in my grief when it was over. If anything, there were podcast episodes and think pieces about what was being called the “friendship recession”, especially during and in the aftermath of the pandemic.
In the months following the breakup, I heard a few therapists interviewing guests on how troubled they were at their own female friendships ending. They found it surprisingly harder than a romantic breakup. And more so, how finding new adult friendships were particularly hard, unless you could bond over being new parents or any other specific transition. In an episode of Chelsea Handler’s podcast, Ashley Graham reveals that during her wedding years ago, she had 6 bridesmaids, and she’s only friends with 2 now. She goes on to mention that notably, during big life events, that’s when people will come and go. Funerals, weddings, babies, and divorces. Life will test our most trusted and close friendships, and many will fall out.
In my somewhat recent experience, I couldn't deny that to be true. Even my own best friend’s wedding less than a year ago, had its experience of a friendship breakup. And it just so happened to be a bridesmaid who canceled being a bridesmaid at last minute. Further demonstrating how these big life events will call people in and cut people out. Ruthlessly and painfully so, but it will more times than not be for the best.
Sah D’Simone writes about the importance of connection in his new book, Spiritually, We. He references Robin Dunbar’s research on friendship. Dunbar claims humans can really only have about 150 connections in life, and this includes both friends and family members. People you simply know. Out of those 150, it goes down to about 50. These are people you would call when big events happen like birthday parties, anniversaries, graduations and things of the sort. Then it goes down to about 15. These lucky people are those who would take a flight to be present during tragic moments in life or big, beautiful moments. They would be there, and you can rely on them for anything. Then, ultimately, it goes down to 5 people — these wonderful 5 are your core circle. They’re your secret keepers, the people who know everything about you. This can also include family members, partners, and friends but usually it’s about 5. Dunbar’s research has garnered some controversy over the past few years, but it’s an interesting study, nonetheless. In an age where social media results in parasocial relationships and the false assumption that everyone is having a party while you’re home alone; it’s funny to think that maybe — in reality — we only have the capacity to maintain 5 very intimate relationships in our lives. Social media posts be damned. Another spin on it: if we look at only 5 as being all we have capacity for — it helps us to appreciate them all the more. They’re our core five for reliable, trustworthy, and gorgeous reasons.
A YouTuber by the username “brownfireball”, created a video about this very tragedy a few months ago. She discusses the friendships we see on TV such as GIRLS, Sex & The City, and Insecure. All of which paint female friendships as this beautiful group where everyone gets along most of the time, fights seem to be few and far between and when they do happen, they’re big and messy and dramatic but the stars always come back together. These friends are travel buddies, gossip partners, party goers. And notably, they’re present during singlehood and looking for love. However, what this YouTuber mentions is that most of these groups in real life, tend to dissipate due to change. She speaks on losing a bunch of female friendships when one by one, they all entered into married life, while she remained single. In the words of Shoshanna at her engagement party: “if you guys happen to know those girls out there who have like, jobs, and purses, and nice personalities, those are now my friends. Not you guys. I think we should all just agree to call it.” And while it’s depressing and painful to hear, the truth is that just as Shoshanna ends it during a life changing event such as getting married, so too do most friendships in real life — particularly female ones.
To add, writer and scholar Richard Reeves speculates why female friendships took more of a hit during the pandemic in an interview: “I think that’s because female friendships are more based on physical relationships, on face-to-face time, whereas male friendships tend to be more mediated perhaps through activities or technology.” Apparently, the pandemic served as an unwelcomed stress test, and showed that women are more in need of physical friendships. If women enter into married life, or become a parent, or move away for employment opportunities, our friendships may take more of a hit; we need that intimate contact and physicality. And unfortunately, it’s usually these transitional chapters which serve to pull out the weeds, so to speak.
An interesting comment made by brownfireball was, “for me personally, it has been easier to find the love of my life — which was also very hard, by the way — than it has been to maintain some of the best female friendships in my life.” And that really hit home. Maintaining female friendships has always been a constant desire of mine. I aim to be the best friend I can be, at all times. However, time and therapy has also shown me to loosen the reins a bit. Give less pressure for others to show up the way I believe I show up for them. Not to jump to conclusions the friendship is slowly dying if we don’t hear or see one another for months on end. I’m learning, albeit very slowly, to let go a bit for the sake of maintaining a relationship with someone I love. Instead of being so hard and fast on the black and white definition in my mind of what it means to be a “best friend” or just a “friend.” Maybe friendships can exist in a flowing manner, and that too can be beautiful. People will flow in and out of our core 5, and that’s okay. As long as there’s love and respect there, it’s still worthy to have that relationship in your 15, or 50, or 150 circles.
So, this brings me back to my therapist’s question, why have friends? Well, friends are immensely important to our physical and emotional health. The beauty of female friendships is the sisterly bond that’s formed. Friendships add beauty and complexity to life; they add a richness which being alone can’t offer. The comfort within a trip, a meal, a drink, a walk, a simple heartfelt conversation, is that they are beautiful and shared experiences which make us feel less alone in this life. We cannot completely do away with humanity’s need for community. Reeves concludes the video as such: “friendship is not a flower that blooms on its own. It’s more like a woodworking project that you have to carve out and continue to work on. One of the necessary steps to making a friend is to admitting that you want to make a friend and to be open to that […] actually saying I need a friend, is maybe one of the hardest sentences a human being can utter.”
And so, it is. Maybe some people are perfectly fine without relationships of any kind, they enjoy life alone and revel in their own company. That’s great. However, the chances are more times than not, we all need a friend, or 2, or at least 5. I’m not afraid to admit that I need a friend, maybe even more than just my core 5. Do you?
