Why I Don’t Listen To Advice On Love
I’m tired of hearing love life advice. It’s everywhere and for good reason. We are humans: we love, we lose, we turn to one another for comfort and words of wisdom. But oftentimes, I find those words of wisdom cause more harm than good. Or, they simply do not display or show recognition for the grey area that often exists in not only romance, but life in general. We hear one another say things like: “It shouldn’t be hard”, “If it feels anything like this (enter in various adjectives) it’s not love”, “When you know, you know” and many more platitudes which are escaping me at this moment. Probably because they have arrived to me in an overwhelming manner and my mind is at full capacity.
Let me be clear: these platitudes have their meanings and are valid in their own ways. No, I don’t think love should be hard but to me that means it shouldn’t be with someone who displays red flags (whether it’s two or ten) to the extent where your own warmth and safety in life is threatened. Or where your mental or physical health are at stake. But saying love shouldn’t be hard feels too black and white to me. There are going to be times: days, weeks, months, maybe even years, where you may experience ambivalence, confusion, lack of romance, or feeling like you’re sludging through the mud of your relationship wearing poorly fashioned boots. Some may say these are the times for you to run. It’s not working! What are you doing? Get out. But isn’t there more to the story? Your ambivalence and confusion could stem from something within yourself that needs healing, something that is your responsibility and yours only. No need to drag your partner through that storm or psychologically project (which we all do way too often), but it’s possible to work on your own shadow while in a relationship. It’ll be hard to do this internal work, but if you have someone who is patient and loves you, it will reap rewards. Both for you individually and your partnership. But as mentioned — it’ll be hard. That doesn’t mean it’s not love and it certainly doesn’t mean it’s not a worthy journey.
Please remember, I’m not giving support of low or high grade abuse or to try and make it work with just anyone. It’s important to have boundaries and standards. It’s important to know your worth. If you’re consistently supporting a toxic cycle of relationships in your life, it can be helpful and downright loving for those in your life to point out your blind spots. Those exceptions aside…
What I’d like to do is shine light on this question: there’s a lot of unpacking to do in life, so why do we expect the opposite in love? We see these relationships constantly decorating our social media accounts of couples so deliriously happy in love. Captions describing their love and adoration with emojis and hashtags to match. What’s actually behind the screen? We don’t see these couples in therapy with one another, or times so fed up they contemplate ending things only for the desire to work together to ultimately win. And unfortunately most times, these social media couples end up parting. Our perception of their fairy tale romance shattered. Which is why I can’t necessarily stand behind the saying “when you know, you know.” I’ve heard this countless times, as I’m sure so have you. I’m probably also guilty of saying it myself in the past. It’s a great saying in that it implores us to listen to this thing called intuition. When you just feel it in your bones this person is the right one for you, you’ll know. Many people swear by it, but not all. Our mind does this annoying habit where it tells us something is right for us, but it actually isn’t. The gut is only one metric to use when weighing whether someone or something is right for you, but it’s not the only one. And sometimes it’s not even that reliable. Honestly, will you ever know 100% whether your person is your person? It’s possible to feel your person is right; that the relationship feels full and healthy but will it be that way forever? I’m drawing a blank on that answer because people change. Life changes. We couple up with someone, hope for the best, and still things may not work out. That’s the risky part of love and it’s worth it. But there are no constants or permanent things in life — all the more reason to appreciate while it’s here.
Taking advice on love is tricky because I’ve found human emotions and relationships are far more nuanced than we give credit for. One day you are invested in a future filled to the brim with kids, a joint bank account, and a home with a swimming pool. The next month or year, you can find yourself dreaming of leaving everything behind to backpack through South America. Life will surprise you. Love will surprise you. So if you’re anything like me; the obsession to finding answers to our many questions of what will happen or if we are in the right relationship, is more anxiety inducing than it is comforting or intriguing. The one piece of advice I took — mirroring this written piece about not taking advice however ironically advice in and of itself — was from a friend in Paris many years ago.
Our chilly night after a movie found us at a bar on a cobblestoned street giving us time before they closed for the night. Our beers on the table, she told me of how no one should listen to anyone when it comes to love. A bit confused, I asked for clarity. She responded: “Because to find one person who shares feelings with you, out of millions of people, is special. And it feels different for everyone. No one is experiencing it but you. What someone experiences, can be so drastically different from the way I experience it.” It’s all about perspective and reference points. Slapping on generalized advice on a subject so vast, rich, nuanced and unique feels like it both cheapens the experience and can cause inner turmoil.
At the end of the day, I’d like to believe we are all just doing our best with the cards we’ve been dealt. And still, I don’t think either of us knows any more than the other. Only you know yourself and your partner. The inner makings of how you relate. Your soft moments and the not so great moments. Your relationship, if given space and time, can take you someplace you didn’t even know you needed to be. With or without a partner.
There are endless possibilities in this Universe. There are endless ways to love. Maybe less black and white advice, and more allowance to explore those possibilities, can lead us to more fulfilling love lives.
