You Have The Right To Mourn Anything
Even the little things you may not give yourself permission to.
Oftentimes and understandably so, we think of mourning and grieving as synonymous with the death of a loved one or the loss of a friendship or relationship. Either way, someone has exited your life and you mourn their loss. You mourn the vacant space which now exists. But what about when you make changes in your life, even for the better, and you suddenly find yourself missing that “old” you? And the funny part about life and emotions is that, it can be the simplest most silliest things you may find yourself missing the most. Aspects you didn’t intend to miss, or were so willing to get rid of in the first place, that the loss feels surprising.
It wasn’t until the middle of last year, where my thoughts and words went from constantly expressing how much I “loved change”, to realizing that changes and transitions in life were more painful than I gave credit for. My internal landscape had changed, the transitions taking place were difficult to get through and I had no proper tools to help me at the time. It was an odd feeling, as the changes happening were both healthy and wonderful. And yet, although I could recognize the benefits of myself and my life moving forward; I still missed certain aspects of my life beforehand. Observing whether I was just looking at the past with rose colored glasses or grappling with transitions, it baffled me. If we make changes for the better or a new opportunity comes into our lives, why mourn the “lesser” versions of our lives? As I learned about the anxiety stemming from transitions, it occurred to me this phenomenon made me neither original nor unique. It’s a part of the flow of life.
All things can be mourned, and rightfully so, albeit with confusion. Say someone gives up alcohol for whatever reason, and finds although the new healthier version of life is welcomed, they reminisce and remember all those past experiences with friends at bars around the city. The people encountered, the bartenders befriended, the uninhibited dancing with strangers, the late night cab rides on the way back home, and waking up with a killer hangover coupled with the sense that it was a fun and memorable night. These outings now have to be replaced with the same type of fun without their instigator: alcohol.
Another unspoken but friendly example: being single for years and then finding a partner. It’s refreshing, fun, new, amazing but it can also provide mental gymnastics for which the getting through is not as seamless as one’s counterparts. This can also speak to every relationship, however, because every relationship is different due to the presence of a new human. Yet, it’s still a transition, and many people including myself, can have difficulty during this phase. A mourning of the single life showing itself in the beginning or peppered throughout, not necessarily due to the partner but to difficulty in adjustment.
We need to allow ourselves to mourn in life. Grieving the loss of who you were when you were single versus who you are now as a married mother of 3. Mourning the loss of your twenties when you enter into your thirties. Mourning how easy it was to wake up and drink 2 cups of coffee when you are transitioning to no caffeine. Grieving the loss of a longtime family home, after deciding to put it on the market. Mourning the traditional family food you grew up with, heavy in animal protein, after you’ve decided to adopt a plant based diet. Grieving the losses of how you thought life was going to look in various areas versus what life actually looks like in real time. These are all valid references to loss, the cognitive dissonance they can result in, and the need for mourning.
Grieving something isn’t indicative of a weak person, rather it can show that one is in touch with the flow of life changes and their accompanying emotions, more intuitively. Grief and mourning do not always indicate a dissatisfaction with life the way it is now, but simply indicate there’s a loss and change, no matter how acute or grand, which took place and the farewell is tough.
Whether you have a tough time with transitions and change the way I do, or you seamlessly go with the river of life; let’s make it okay to mourn anything and give ourselves the right to do so with gentleness and grace.
